I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Randomize
