Midget sex pt 2 tonight
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Randomize
