Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
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that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
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I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
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