Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
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