We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
