we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
