i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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