They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
