it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
