This is evicking siegelnvs
Im sorry?
This is fucking ridiculous*
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
