You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
