The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
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