no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
This is the Front Desk Lady from the Saturolite Inn. Your friend is passed out in the lobby. Please come help her.
Randomize
