I'm gonna have a badass scar
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
