I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
