I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
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you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
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