the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
OMFG I JUST SEARCHED DILDO ON THE WORK SHARED AMAZON ACCOUNT!!!!!
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