having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
