Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
Why are your pants in the freezer?
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