these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
