Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
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