Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Randomize
