It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
Randomize
