when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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