I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
