Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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