I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
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He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
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I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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