PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
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