Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
