you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I think your dad took our porno
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
