god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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