I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
