Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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