I need to stop coming to work sober
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
