I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
