I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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