My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
Floor bacon is actually really good
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
