By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
