he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
