If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
