she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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