I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I think that we as people have rights and that we should at the very least be warned before being subjected to Fergie
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Just invented taco cereal.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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