Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Randomize
