There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
