I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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