She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
Randomize