you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
