u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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