i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Randomize
