My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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