this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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