where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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