My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
Randomize
