I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I have nothing to say other than the obvious 'we probably shouldn't have done that' and the less obvious 'i think you bruised my labia major' ...?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
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