the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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